Updated: Dec 6, 2021
We ask “Why?” a lot. It starts out early in life. Why is the sky blue? Why do I have to eat broccoli? Why do I have to go to school?
As we continue to go through life we find ourselves seeking answers to the other why’s that come along. They tend to be more deep, sometimes philosophical, and personal. Such as “Why didn’t I get a raise?” “Why didn’t I get that promotion?” or “Why am I here?”
Sometimes we find ourselves struggling with some “why” questions we once had clear answers to. Time, issues, life’s complications, being too busy and more have clouded over what was once obvious. And, brought with it some doubts. Doubts about our decisions, our future and even about ourselves.
This might also be a situation someone finds themselves in over their marriage. It was all so clear from the start, but now, not so much.
Why did I get married? Why am I still married? Why am I feeling like I do?
For some, these were once easy questions to answer. Now, they seem a bit more complicated. Naturally, you have your own “why?” questions regarding your relationship. The ones no one else knows. The “why’s?” you have kept to yourself. When we have lost our way in this regard it is important to press “pause” and take a moment to seek clarity once again.
If your marriage is at some kind of standstill, impasse or on the rocks, then this is that moment to press “pause” and re-discover some of those answers. Especially before making any immediate decisions. Take out a piece of paper so you can write your answers down. This is important. Writing forces us to actually think about being focused and specific with our answers. This brings clarity. Clarity can offer honesty and perspective. And, a balanced perspective will help get you back on track. Re-discovery will refresh your reasons for why and strengthen your commitment to them. This offers resolve and peace of mind. And finally, removes any doubts, allowing you to move ahead confident again. So go ahead, write down your “why” question(s) and then write out your answer(s).
However, if after having done this, the answers you once had for your “why’s” have changed, then the next questions would have to be, “When did it change?” Followed by “What caused that change?” These questions have to be answered before anything else can be done. Before any other things can be offered up as a solution.
So, having identified when and what, a logical next step would be to consider what one should do about this situation. Allow me to offer some why questions to start a process. It is called finding “resolution”:
If your why, when and what has been due to your career or job, why can’t you make a change if it would be worth your marriage? (In other words, which do you value more, your marriage or your career? Make the change!)
If your why, when and what is due to location, why can’t you look to relocate somewhere else? Why can’t you move and start anew? (It can be done!)
If your why, when and what is due to a person or people, why can’t you change the circle of those that surround you? (Pick your friends wisely and keep your circle small.)
If your why, when and what has to do with finances that have impacted your relationship, why not put in place positive changes to correct it? (You know your circumstance best and so know what it will take. Additional income stream, expense cutting, smaller place, fewer cars, extra-curricular activities cut to name a few.)
If your why, when and what has to do with a behavioral change or habit, why not face it and look at change that will deal with it? (Addiction, attitude, bad habits? All can be dealt with if two people face it together.)
Anything is possible if it is deemed worthwhile. Some things are harder than others no doubt. However, having said that when dealing with two people in the equation it does take a joint effort. Without it then quite honestly any one-sided efforts to help or save a relationship often end up as simply a waste of time and energy. There are exceptions, of course, due to unique circumstances. An example that has become more prevalent lately is the pharmaceutical drug addiction that has swept across the U.S. Marriage relationships have been thrown into a world of unexpected turmoil and struggle. In times like this, it does take one spouse to fight for the restoration of the other, and their strained relationship. This does not mean though that we stand alone at times like this. It is critical to find others who can play a key role and join in the effort. The challenges can be great in these unique circumstances. But I do believe in the power of love.
Ah, the power of love. Why did you get married? Why do you put up with the annoying stuff? Why are you willing to make sacrifices? Why are you willing to forgive? Why do you keep trying?
It’s the power of love! Love will overcome. Love will fuel the fire. Love will call you to action. Love will give you strength. Love can get you back on track. Love can unite when two are in the fight!
So, don’t give up. That’s easy to do. Get the answers to your “Why?” questions in order that the two of you can move forward! Figure out what it will take for that to happen and then do it!
Until next time, we wish you LOVE, JOY & PEACE!
Brad & Yvonne